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Just a twentysomething living my life and, as most my age, figuring it out as I go,

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Just Because It's Not Forever

I have been struggling lately with genuineness. Whether that is in relationships, in memories, in worship, whatever; and I have come to the conclusion that just because it's not the same now, doesn't mean it wasn't real in the first place. 

This thought began with me realizing that I judge others' worship methods. I have been, until recently, very skeptical of the way people worship at church around me. When in a situation where it's easy to be impacted by the mood of your surroundings, I look around at others and think "Are you actually worshipping, or do you just like this song?...Will you actually take something away from this or is it an act to get people to think you are this incredibly godly person?" And that's where I stop myself. Does that matter? Well, yes, but God is still being praised, even if it is in that moment alone. His name is still being glorified and lifted up. So what does it matter if a few months ago they were doing something unholy? And right now, what does it matter if in a few months they turn away and hit a rough patch in the road? God's name is being praised right here and right now, and that's good enough for today. All things happen in time.
Which brings me to another reality that I have been taught. Friendships are not (always) forever. As I sat with a dear friend having coffee a week ago, we talked about fleeting friendships and how difficult it is to realize that they were not meant to last the rest of your life. There is something fragile about friendships that makes them beautiful in the time they have. Just because it doesn't last forever doesn't mean there is no point. I can look back on any friendship I have had fade away and see their mark on my life, even if it's just a small smudge. Some friends had a huge impact in the few months they were around, but then it was time to move on. They taught what they could and I gave what I had, and now it's someone else's turn. That doesn't make the friendship any less real. 

I'm a note hoarder-including, but not limited to, texts, facebook messages and snail mail. And sometimes, when I am having a bad day or stumble upon it, I pull out those old notes. For a long time, as I read through notes from friends of days past, I wondered if those kind things they said were ever genuine at all. That, my friends, is the voice of Satan, telling you that you were not ever actually important to that person, they just faked it to make you feel worth something. But those notes, old messages, faded friendships are all part of the adventure of life. And it's kind of a beautiful thing to be able to see the pattern they are forming as they come into your life and then walk away. Not bad, not angry, but just moving on to other things. I don't know if that will ever be a pill I can swallow, but it's at least head-knowledge, and that's good enough for me. 

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